Do you ever look at your life and wonder what the heck you're doing and how on earth did you end up doing that? I have been in a bit of a funk lately and have spent many hours playing mindless computer games thinking about life- I'm not sure that it's the healthiest of habits... But, it has forced me to take an inventory of myself and see where I am lacking and what I need to do to fix that.
So that's my excuse for no blog posts in months- I've been thinking. If you are at all interested in the specifics of what I've been thinking, read on. If, on the other hand, you are content NOT knowing the inner demons and twisted workings of my mind, let me bid you a fond farewell. I'll catch you next post.
My Thoughts (some of them, at least)
Infertility sucks. It's obnoxious and it just sucks. For the first time I quantified what I have known but tried to ignore- I will have at least 7 nieces or nephews born while we have been trying. Ouch. But, I don't begrudge any of these babies or their parents. Not at all. I adore them all and think it's a wonderful thing. I'm just kind of tired of waiting for my turn.
Greeting cards? Seriously? That's my job? When I was a kid, I never once thought "Gee, I'd really love to sell greeting cards when I grow up." What a random thing! And yet, I like it! I love working with my mom to come up with them. I love showing them off at trade shows and to friends. I am excited at the potential they have. But I am absolutely terrified of them, at the same time. It scares me silly that I am in charge. Seriously, I was a music major! And now I'm running a business? I feel like I'm the only person who has any idea of what's going on, and that if things don't go the way we hope they do it will all be my fault. I try and I work hard, but it gets really cold and lonely in my basement. Would another person do a better job? Would the company grow faster with someone else running it?
I think I have some major 'daddy' issues to deal with. I'm not looking forward to that and am quite content to bury them back down for a while...
I miss Tasha. I really hope that she doesn't hate me forever. I also really hope that I have done right by her. She told me how much she hated me because I have been so involved in her life- driving her to school/dance/wherever, going over for FHE, watching her (and Thomas) when Mom needed help and helping Mom play 'good cop/bad cop'. I *think* that I've been doing it for the right reasons, but what if I really did crave the drama? Was I just trying to force myself in?
I need to do some things for myself. I love parties and entertaining, yet I have not thrown a dinner party in well over a year. I have thrown many, many parties in that year- birthday parties and showers and Relief Society and other crazy stuff, but none of them were really for me. I love making fun/funky crafts, yet I haven't done anything for myself. I have my half finished quilled chess board that I started years ago (before I got married, I think) and haven't touched it in ages. I think I need a kick in the pants, or something....
Sorry for the ramblings. It's nice to articulate some of those feeling, though. I think that my 10 year high school reunion happening in 2 months is making me a little introspective. But, don't worry. It will pass soon enough. Probably sooner than it ought to. (honk if you get that. hehe)
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2 comments:
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You're brave to open up to the world online, but I was reading an article the other day which discussed how blogging can be therapeutic for people. Hope you can get out of your "funk" soon.
Wow, I just finished reading your blog. You are very brave to share so much of yourself. Life is an on going struggle as we learn along the way, I know I don't have to tell you that, just know we all understand. We don't have the same struggles, but we struggle non the less. You always seem bright and happy when I see you. And, "HONK" Elizabeth Bennet's father says that last line in your blog in the A&E 5hr Pride & Prejudice. Good choice.
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